ABOUT AS FAR AS I REMEMBER...

                                             About as far as I remember...

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you crazy? I barely know that woman!”

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine to!

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” 

“Oh, come on! You just want to get me to bed.” 

“And smart, too!”

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space? 

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!" 

"What is the problem?" 

"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Ouch, I look like a pig!" 

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish. 

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. 

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. 

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."

There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can"t see him.”

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while, one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!” 

"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

"So you can all be really sad when I die."

A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

Man: Hi, do you want to dance?

Woman: Yeah, sure!

Man: Great! Go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!

Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup.

And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours. 

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.I can take it!”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! 

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. 

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello...

Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that cows can’t fly.

A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

A judge went to the dentist and said:
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone. 
"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway." 
"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”
Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” 

That’s about as far as I remember.

Copiright 6/2018 Eugene Colin