CARS

                                                             CARS

   It was spring of 1991. We had just moved to Plantation, part of the grater Fort Lauderdale area in South Florida, a few months before.

   I was still founding my way around, on a given Sunday when, leaving church, I saw a lady passing out flyers... “Maybe something I ought to know”, I thought. Indeed! The paper was advertising a car show, that same day, at the Heritage Park, less than two miles away from our house.

   I went home, had lunch and, after hearing “No” from my daughters, which prefer to stay home, getting acquainted with other girls in the neighborhood, there I was on my way to the park.

   Almost there, even from a distance I could hear and, a little closer see, pure Americana...

   Inside the park, in a corner, under trees, a stage with a band playing country songs... On the loan, hundreds of cars, Americans, Europeans, Japanese, Swedish, everything...

   There I was admiring a 1969 convertible Mustang, after checking on some Porches, Ferraris and “Beemers”, when I hear a guy, quitting the music and asking everyone:

-  Who knows about cars?

   A lady, immediately raised her hand, getting closer to the microphone...

-  Okay! Tell me Mame! What does the name Ford on a car mean?

-  Henry Ford, the guy who created “in line” production... Of course. Answered her.

-  Wrong! Car names are only initials, acronyms... In reality the letters we know our cars 

   for, only tells us a little bit about what we are getting ourselves into, what they mean for us or what they say about ourselves when buying that brand... 

   And, he started...
-  Let me clarify that for you guys! Here we go...

ALFA: Aging Latin Fuckwit's Ambulance.

ASTON MARTIN: A Silly Toy Of Neurotic Middle Aged Rich Toffs Investing Needlessly.

AUDI: Another Useless Deutsche Invention. 

BMW: Bought My Wife; Brings Me Women; Big Money Waster; Broke My Wallet; Babe Magnet Wannabe, Bavarian Manure Wagon, Bring More Wallet. 

CADILLAC: Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars.

CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. 

CHRYSLER: Can't Have Refund, You're Stuck Leasing Edsel's Replacement. - Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair!

DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere. - Dad's Old Dead Garage Experiment. - Don't Over Drive Gutless Engines.

EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks.

FIAT: Fix It Again Tony! - Failed Italian Automotive Technology. - Feeble Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.

FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily. - Fast Only Rolling Downhill. - First (or Fails) On Race Day. - Found On Road Dead. - Funding Our Retirement Daily. - Driver Returning On Foot (Ford spelled backwards!)

GMC: Greatest Made Chevy.

HOLDEN: Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents, Engine Noises. - Heaps Of Loud Disgusting Engine Noises.

HONDA: Had One Never Did Again; Hold On, 'Nother Dickhead Arriving - Happy Owners Never Drive Anything (else)

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive. - Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside.

ISUZU: It Sucks, Unless Zero Used.

JAGUAR: Junk Always Going Under At Repair Shop. 

JEEP: Junk Engineering Executed Poorly. - Just Enough Engine Power.

KIA: Kick It Again. - Keep It Away. - Kill It Anyway. - Kills Innocent Americans.

LOTUS: Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious. 

MAZDA: Mostly Always Zipping Dangerously Along; Made After Zero Design Analysis.

MERCEDES: Many Expensive Repairs Can Eventually Discourage Extra Sales.

MG: Merciless Garbage. - Money Guzzler.

MG-B: Might Go Backwards.

MG-F: Might Go Forwards.

MINI: Moron Inside Notably Insane.

MINIVAN: Manhood Is Nonexistent, I'm Vasectomized And Neutered.

MITSUBISHI: Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments. - Motor Is Tough, Sounds Unbelievably Bad, Intimidates Slow Hondas Incessantly.

MOPAR: Move Over, Professionals Are Racing.  –  Mostly Old Parts And Rust.

NISSAN: Needs Imminent Salvage So Abandon Now.

OLDSMOBILE: Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday. - Old Ladies Drive Slow Mostly Off Bridges Into Lake Erie!

PLYMOUTH: Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!

PONTIAC: People On Narcotics Think It's A Cadillac

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoilt Children Having Everything. 

SAAB: Send Another Automobile Back. - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. - Start Adding Additional Brakefluid. - Sad Attempt At Beauty. - Still Ain't A Beamer, Slow As A Buick!

SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually.

SUV: Selfish Useless Vehicles. - SubUrban Vans. - Stupid Ugly Vehicle.

SUZUKI: Space Usually Zero Unless Kids Inside.

TORANA: Tons Of Rust And No Acceleration.

TOYOTA: Taking Our Yen Out Through Australia. - The One You Ought To Avoid. - They Overcharge You On Their Accessories. - Take Off Your Oversized Tires Asshole.

TRIUMPH: This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help. - Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt.

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object. - Very Old Lazy Vehicle Owner.

VW: Very Weird. - Virtually Worthless.

VOLKSWAGEN: Vehicle Owners Losers Knowingly Suffering With All German Engineered Nonsense.

   There were laughters after almost every name, said slowly, in loud voice. We're having a lot of fun...

   It was a very fine day! I’ll never forget that Sunday... I still have the pictures taken that evening and, every time I see them, comes to my mind that strong voice, with a southern accent, teaching us the reality behind the name on our cars.

Copyright 7/2015 Eugene Colin.